THE TEN POINT SCALE: WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER

It's another First Friday, so we welcome back guest blogger Margie Lawson with her expert tips on romance and communication. Here's Margie!
.........

I developed this TEN POINT SCALE system to use with couples in marital therapy.  It works. It helps people think about their current mood, what contributed to it, and what they might be able to do to improve their mood.

Select a number, 1 – 10, based on your general mood right now. 

Ten = great.  One = the pits.

Tell each other your numbers.  What’s your general mood right now, 1 – 10?  If both of you are 7 or over – Good!  If you’re 8.5 or higher – Great!

If someone is 5 or 6, what can they do, or the other person do, that would boost that number a point or two?  Ask what the person with the lower number needs.

If someone is below 5, what happened?  What’s going on in real life . . . or in their heads?   What are they telling themselves?  What can they do to address the problem?  If the problem is outside their control, what can they do to make themselves feel better?

If both people are below 5 . . . WATCH OUT! 

That’s when people are hyper-sensitive, loaded for bear, likely to blow up at the slightest provocation.  If you both use this TEN POINT RATING SCALE, you both know what’s going on emotionally with the other person. 

The Rating Scale quantifies moods.  When a spouse tells you they’re fine, that FINE could be a 2 or an 8.  Now you know.  You’re more fully informed.  You know not to ask them to pay bills, paint Uncle Ted’s house, or build a by-plane kite with the 8 year-old twins.

You have to USE THE RATING SCALE to make a difference.  Ask each other WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER several times a day. USE THE INFORMATION.

STUFF HAPPENS.  Several small things could each ding a number by ½ to 1 point.   Stress is cumulative.  Negative thinking and stress erode good moods.

Use the rating scale.  You won’t strain a relationship by taking your bad mood out on someone else.  AND – you won’t wallow in your problem and use it as an excuse to not move on with meeting your goals for the day. 

It’s easy to use the scale with yourself too.  You know when you’re in a bad mood.  Select a number.  Figure out what you can do to boost your number.  You’ll be surprised what a difference you can make in your mood, your day, and your relationship.

Margie Lawson, a counseling psychologist with a specialty in marriage and family therapy, is well known in the writing world for her expertise in Deep Editing.  Margie analyzes writing craft as well as the psyche of the writer.  She presents 1) Empowering Characters’ Emotions, 2) Deep Editing:  The EDITS System, Rhetorical Devices, and More, and 3) Defeat Self-Defeating Behaviors in one and two day master classes.  She also teaches these topics in month-long on-line courses and offers Lecture Packets through PayPal from her web site.  For more information, please visit her web site, www.MargieLawson.com, or e-mail her at margie@margielawson.com.

................

Congratulations to Dineen Miller, the winner of the October Randomly Romantic Kickoff Blog Contest! Dineen will receive a $15 Starbucks gift card and a copy of Coffee Dates for Couples! Watch for news in the next few days about my November contest.

Comments

[Mary Connealy]

I'm going to try this. I'd better wait until after harvest though. My husband runs a consistant minus seven during harvest.
six weeks of sixteen hour days will do that to a person.
I know that. I try to be very gentle and never ever say provocative things like, "Hi, Honey, dinner's ready."
You know, edgy stuff that sets him off!!!!

[Carla]

Hmmm. Do I REALLY want to know? If I'm the cause of "him" being a 3, that means I might have to make some adjustments--like get the laundry done in a more timely manner or give up watching Dancing With the Stars for a football game. I will admit it's better than the old "Are you okay? You seem to be in a bad mood" method. Maybe I'll try it. . . maybe.

[Cara Putman]

Oh, that would be powerful if I incorporated it. Thanks for the tip!

[Pam Hillman]

Man, that Margie (if you re-arrange and add a couple the letters, it comes out marriage. Interesting...) is one smart cookie!

[Missy Tippens]

What a great idea! Thanks for sharing, Margie! And thanks, Myra, for having her again. :)

Missy

[Julie Lessman]

Margie--Awesome idea! Myra--Awesome idea having Margie on your blog! Loved it!

[Janet Dean]

Giving a number is probably easier for a man than explaining what's going on with him. Thanks for sharing, Margie! Hope the knee is better, Myra.

[Dineen Miller]

Woohooo! Thank you, Myra! I'm excited to try some coffee dates with my hubby. :-)

Margie, great to see you here again. Love reading your posts.

[Cheryl Wyatt]

Great post. Thanks, ladies, for these wonderful tips.

Cheryl Wyatt

[Carla]

Please enter me in the drawing for Gary Smalley's book. I've not read this one. Great idea, Myra.

[PatriciaW]

Scary stuff, I think. I like the idea of a scale, although my 7 could be his 5. There's no real way to calibrate. And if he describes and I think he should be at a 7, not a 5, then what? I guess what's important is how the person feels relative to their own scale.

I love Gary Smalley's stuff so please enter me in the drawing.