Writer at Random

Deep Edit Your Marriage with Margie Lawson!

It's another First Friday with Margie! If you've taken Margie Lawson's Deep Edits course, you are in for a treat as Margie shows us how to use her writing techniques to analyze how our marriage relationship is functioning.

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DEEP EDIT YOUR MARRIAGE!

If you know me, you know I’m a Deep Edit guru. I analyze people, books, characters, plot, writing craft . . . Analysis is my world.

When thinking about writing a blog for FIRST FRIDAYS, an idea hit: Take my Five Question Scene Check list and apply it to marriage.

Deep edit your marriage?

I developed my Five Question Scene Check list (5Q) for writers to use as a tool to be sure they’ve covered all the facets of Margie-style deep editing. That’s psychologically anchored deep editing. Most of what I teach in my editing courses is what I’ve created. It’s not the editing espoused by your 10th grade English teacher.

I present my 5Q in the Deep Editing course I teach on-line this month. The 5Q consists of five main questions. The subsets are killers. :-)))

The multiple subset questions make you analyze, assess, probe, and justify each line, paragraph, page, and scene. Applying the 5Q to your manuscript is tough. Let’s see how tough those 5 questions are when we apply it to your marriage.

Here are the 5Q topic questions. We’ll dive into each question in-depth below.

1. Any missed opportunities?

2. What could enhance emotion?

3. How can I up the stakes?

4. How much can I tighten it?

5. How does it rate? Choose 1 – 10, 10 being the Best. Justify how you rated it.

Applying the 5Q topics to deep edit your marriage:

1. Any missed opportunities?

Review the last few months. Any Missed Opportunities?

What could you and your spouse do differently?

2. How much can you tighten part of your life?

What’s in your days and weeks that you could change that would make your marriage stronger? Do you lose time to watching TV?

What can you tighten in your life so you can have more quality time together?

How can you spend less time on what you like less, and more time on what you like more?

3. What could enhance emotion in your life?

Now we’re getting into the fun questions. Is your creativity meter ticking?

Adding emotion to your marriage:

• Romance?
• Closeness with family and friends?
• More time for spirituality?
• Connecting?
• Giving back to the community?
• Giving back to meaningful organizations?
• Reaching out – good deeds – good times?

4. How can you up the stakes in your marriage?

How can you make your marriage more special? Not take it for granted. Focus on appreciating and experiencing and validating.

Make plans. Follow through.

Are you giving your marriage the positive attention it deserves?

5. How do you rate the energy you put into strengthening your marriage?

Choose a number from 1 to 10 and rate the amount of energy you put into strengthening your marriage last week. TEN being the most energy.

We all know life takes energy too. Yet, you could have spent some energy making your spouse feel special, appreciated, valued. If you did several things for your spouse, or for the two of you, rate your week an 8, 9. or 10. If you did a few things, rate it a 5, 6, or 7. If you did nothing to hardly anything, go for the 0 to 4.

If last week was below a 9, what could you have done differently? Were there times you could have done something different to strengthen the marriage?

Consider this rating exercise as research. Information. News-of-a-difference.

No blaming yourself. No judging.

Our lives are filled with controllable variables and uncontrollable variables. When the uncontrollables hit—you get the flu, the refrigerator quits, your mother-in-law visits for three weeks—you cope. Do what you can. Lower your expectations for quality time with your honey. Roll with change.

No need to rate those times. You weren’t in charge. Uncontrollables ruled. Focus on when you can make more good things happen in your marriage.

REQUEST:

Share your missed opportunities (or how you’ll pursue, not pass), how you can tighten, add emotion, and up the stakes in your marriage. Put energy into strengthening your marriage.

I wish I could respond to your posts today. I’ll spend Friday flying to Detroit to present Defeat Self-Defeating Behaviors in a full-day master class on Saturday. I’ll go from the airport to a group dinner – and won’t arrive at my hotel (or internet) until late evening.

I trust that you all will share your support and ideas with each other. Feel free to post:

“I bet Margie would say . . .”

Come on – you can guess how I’d respond. Dive in!

FYI: I am teaching Deep Editing: The EDITS System, Rhetorical Devices, and More on-line this month. The class officially started on Thursday, but people can register for several more days. www.writeruniv.com

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Margie Lawson, a counseling psychologist with a specialty in marriage and family therapy, is well known in the writing world for her expertise in Deep Editing.  Margie analyzes writing craft as well as the psyche of the writer.  She presents 1) Empowering Characters’ Emotions, 2) Deep Editing:  The EDITS System, Rhetorical Devices, and More, and 3) Defeat Self-Defeating Behaviors in one and two day master classes.  She also teaches these topics in month-long on-line courses and offers Lecture Packets through PayPal from her web site.  For more information, please visit her web site, www.MargieLawson.com, or e-mail her at margie@margielawson.com.

What makes you happy?

Welcome back to FIRST FRIDAYS with Margie! (Due to circumstances beyond both Margie's and my control, we didn't have a March post).  Every first Friday of the month, marital therapist, writer, and presenter Margie Lawson will share relationship tips for keeping romance alive and lines of communication open. 

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What Makes You Happy?

Simple question.  Complex answers.

Couples know what makes each other happy.  They usually know the big things.  And – they may know some of the small things.

Too often, spouses forget to pay attention to the small things that push emotional buttons.

It’s those not critical, but oh-so-annoying oversights that contribute to marital distress. Things like:  shoes in living room, chip bags left open, dirty dishes, and the ever-popular forgot-to-take-the-trash-out. 

When couples are not happy about things – their dialogue can degrade to arguing about anything.  Any topic can become a verbal battleground.

When you pay attention and honor the things that make your spouse cringe, you’ll enhance their happiness – and yours too.

If it’s a big deal to your spouse that the spare car keys hang on a certain hook, why not put them there.  You may not care if they’re on that hook or in a kitchen drawer.  If they care, and you toss the keys in the drawer, then you’re showing disrespect.

No power struggle is indicated.  Don’t get caught up in creating issues about things that are inconsequential.  Put energy into creating a happy life with the person you love. 

The following HAPPY FOR NO REASON questionnaire was developed by Marci Shimoff.  I’m not familiar with her or her book or articles.  I just liked her assessment.  :-)))

I have three requests:

1.  Take a minute and find out your happiness level. 

2.  Make a list of what makes you happy and a list of what makes your spouse, or significant other, happy.  BE SPECIFIC.  Focus on the little things.

3.  Find a few minutes to chat about your lists with them.  Were you close?  Did they have a few items to add to the list?

Like our forefathers stated in the Declaration of Independence – it’s all about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  Make happiness a daily happening in your relationship.

I look forward to seeing how you did on this questionnaire!

Best……………….Margie

The Happy for No Reason Questionnaire

The following Happy for No Reason questionnaire is modeled after the tests that Positive Psychology researchers use to determine people's happiness levels--with one important difference! Most happiness questionnaires are "state-dependent"; that is, they ask you to rate your happiness according to what's going on in your life (job, career, relationships, and so on) and how satisfied you are with your life circumstances. Those questionnaires measure Happy for Good Reason. This questionnaire is completely unique; it measures Happy for No Reason, or your happiness level from the inside out.

As you answer these questions, think about how they apply to you in general.

Rate each statement on a scale of 1 to 5:

1 = Not at all true

2 = Slightly True

3 = Moderately True

4 = Mostly True

5 = Absolutely True

I often feel happy and satisfied for no particular reason.
1      2      3      4      5

I live in the moment.
1      2      3      4      5

I feel alive, vital and energetic.
1      2      3      4      5

I experience a deep sense of inner peace and well-being.
1      2      3      4      5

Life is a great adventure for me.
1      2      3      4      5

I don't let bad situations keep me down.
1      2      3      4      5

I am enthusiastic about the things I do.
1      2      3      4      5

Most days I have an experience of laughter or joy
1      2      3      4      5

I trust this is a friendly universe.
1      2      3      4      5

I look for the gift or the lesson in everything that happens.
1      2      3      4      5

I am able to let go and forgive
1      2      3      4      5

I feel love for myself.
1      2      3      4      5

I look for the good in every person.
1      2      3      4      5

I change the things I can and accept the things I can't change.
1      2      3      4      5

I surround myself with people who support me
1      2      3      4      5

I don't blame others or complain.
1      2      3      4      5

My negative thoughts don't overshadow me.
1      2      3      4      5

I feel a general sense of gratitude.
1      2      3      4      5

I feel connected to something bigger than myself.
1      2      3      4      5

I feel inspired by a sense of purpose in my life.
1      2      3      4      5

Scoring section:

If your score is 80 - 100: To a great degree, you are Happy for No Reason.

If your score is 60 - 79: You have a good measure of being Happy for No Reason.

If your score is 40 - 59: You have glimpses of being Happy for No Reason.

If your score is under 40: You have little experience of being Happy for No Reason.

Whatever your score, don't be discouraged. Science tells that we have control over at least 40% of the factors that determine our individual happiness levels. So, it doesn't matter where you begin; what matters is that you do begin.

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Margie Lawson, a counseling psychologist with a specialty in marriage and family therapy, is well known in the writing world for her expertise in Deep Editing.  Margie analyzes writing craft as well as the psyche of the writer.  She presents 1) Empowering Characters’ Emotions, 2) Deep Editing:  The EDITS System, Rhetorical Devices, and More, and 3) Defeat Self-Defeating Behaviors in one and two day master classes.  She also teaches these topics in month-long on-line courses and offers Lecture Packets through PayPal from her web site.  For more information, please visit her web site, www.MargieLawson.com, or e-mail her at margie@margielawson.com.

No Whining!

Welcome back Margie Lawson, Psychologist, Presenter, Writer, with more great relationship advice. Today Margie talks about the fine art of . . .

No Whining!

We’re all adults. We don’t whine.

We use our adult voices. Our oh-so-mature vocal cues.

Even when we are annoyed, frustrated, hurt, irritated, feeling ignored . . . we still don’t whine.

Right?

YIKES! We are way too human. Sometimes adults whine.

The sad thing is--it’s the whining and complaining and nagging that may get a response. Unfortunately--we don’t receive the response we wanted.

What we want from our spouse is cooperation. When we whine a request, we often receive an uncooperative response.

Let’s look at the healthiest way we can communicate a request to our spouse. The operative word in that sentence is REQUEST.

It’s that simple. Memorize this sentence.

“I have a request.”

Gee--that was easy!

So many couples I work with in marital counseling COMPLAIN to their spouses about something they want. They WHINE and COMPLAIN and NAG.

Hmm . . . it’s not surprising that the spouse doesn’t respond favorably. They feel picked on. Mistreated. They don’t feel valued. They are disinclined to do whatever the spouse wants or needs.

You and your spouse can decide to use those four words as a lead-in when you need something from each other.

“I have a request.”

Pay attention to your vocal cues when you make your request. I refer to them as paralanguage cues in my Empowering Characters’ Emotions course.

You want your vocal cues to be level. Respectful. Pleasant.

When you preface what you need with, “I have a request,” your spouse will feel respected. It’s a request. Not a demand.

The lead-in also serves to get their attention. You can condition your spouse to tune in when you say those four words, “I have a request.” It’s a heads-up--an unstated “Hello! I need you to listen to me now. This is important.”

Next--you negotiate the request. Does your request have a time line? Does it require any special instructions? If so--focus on the positives. No need to remind them about how they failed to do something correctly the last time. Forget the misdeeds of the past. Think positively.

Using this simple way to preface your requests may take some of the stress out of your communication. Yet--keep in mind, people can deny a request. If your request gets turned down, you can discuss the situation and request suggestions from your spouse.

I recommend using the lead-in for some fun things too. You may say, “I have a request. Let’s go to a movie this afternoon.”

Or you may think bigger, and say, “I have a request. Let’s plan a vacation to Australia.”

Maintaining healthy communication in a relationship requires effort. It’s easier when you put a few systems in place to keep communication running smoothly.

I have a request. Try this system. See if you and your spouse can nix the whining and honor requests. You’ll make more time to enjoy being together.

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Margie Lawson--psychologist, hypnotherapist, presenter, and writer--teaches writers how to edit to speak to the readers’ unconscious. She developed psychologically-anchored editing techniques and systems that add emotive power. In 2008, Margie is presenting 15 full-day master classes across the US and overseas, including Australia and New Zealand.

Margie teaches two editing courses on-line. Empowering Characters’ Emotions (ECE) is offered on-line in March. Writers will learn how to write the full range of nonverbal communication, how to write fresh, how to write the Four Levels of Powering Up Emotion, and how to use her EDITS System.

In May, Margie teaches her advanced editing course on-line: Deep Editing: The EDITS System, Rhetorical Devices, and More. Writers will take the EDITS System deeper, learn her Five Question Scene Checklist, dig deep into more editing techniques, and explore 25 rhetorical devices to take their writing to a higher level. Lectures from each of Margie’s on-line courses are offered as Lecture Packets through PayPal from her web site. Please visit her web site for more information: www.MargieLawson.com

Margie's January Relationship Tip: New Year Relationship Maps

Welcome back Margie Lawson, Psychologist, Writer, Presenter, with more of her right-on relationship advice!

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It’s the NEW YEAR! Time to grab your honey and get him to talk to you!

Okay--not the best plan. As much as couples could benefit from sitting down and chatting about how to improve their relationship every month . . . it’s probably not going to happen.

How do you create your Relationship Map and keep him focused on your conversation?

The boring ways may not work. Anything involving a legal pad and a serious expression on your face may prompt him to have an urgent need to paint the trim on the house. :-)))

What if you SET IT UP to chat with him when he’s your captive?

When you’re on a walk. When you’re out to dinner. When the two of you are in the car. Anytime it’s just the two of you . . . and no other events are adding pressure.

Every couple needs a relationship map. Problems present when couples don’t have a map. Either they’ve never made one, or their map is outdated. When the next phase of their relationship journey is uncharted, how do they know where they’re heading?   

Start with plotting and planning the fun stuff. Save the To-Do’s and the What-You-Need for another time.

BE STRATEGIC!

1. Have your first mapping session focus on adding more good times.
2. Plan your input a few days ahead.
3. Come up with THREE POSITIVE THINGS that you think would improve your relationship. Those items likely involve spending quality time together, from Date Night at home, to Date Night on the town. From family outings to activities with couple friends, extended family, or groups of friends. It may include a Surprise Date.
4. CAUTION: No nagging about how the two of you never have time to be together. This is not the time to point out how things haven’t worked. It’s the time to map fun things for the future.
5. Be sure your voice is light, not whiney. Be sure you don’t fall into the Negative Spouse Trap. Stay positive!
6. Remember--this is not a kitchen table topic. Go to one of his favorite restaurants for a weekend breakfast, lunch, or dinner. You want his attention when he’s rested and feeling good. Or take a long walk. Go for a drive.
7. Jump in to the topic by spinning off the New Year--and how you’d like to make sure the next month is fun for you as a couple.
8. Tell him how important he is to you.
9. Ask for his ideas on what the two of you could do together--then share your three ideas.
10. KEEP IT SHORT!  THANK HIM!

It’s not therapy. It’s the first stage in creating a Relationship Map that will strengthen you as a couple. Keep your map focused on ADDING FUN TOGETHER TIMES.

If your guy would be responsive to sitting down with a legal pad and having a planning session . . . Go for it! If not--be strategic and slip it in your conversation when you’re out together.

It’s the NEW YEAR!  Put your ideas on a calendar. Make your fun times happen. Next month--grab your guy and chart your map for February. Follow up. You both want 2008 to be the best year for you as a couple.

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Margie Lawson, a counseling psychologist with a specialty in marriage and family therapy, is well known in the writing world for her expertise in Deep Editing.  Margie analyzes writing craft as well as the psyche of the writer.  She presents 1) Empowering Characters’ Emotions, 2) Deep Editing:  The EDITS System, Rhetorical Devices, and More, and 3) Defeat Self-Defeating Behaviors in one and two day master classes.  She also teaches these topics in month-long on-line courses and offers Lecture Packets through PayPal from her web site.  For more information, please visit her web site, www.MargieLawson.com, or e-mail her at margie@margielawson.com.

Mastering Time

Please welcome ...

Psychologist – Writer – Presenter  Margie Lawson

with more advice on keeping romance alive and the lines of communication open. Margie promised to stop in later today to respond to your comments, so let's get some conversation going!

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At the end of a day, and the end of a weekend, we often wonder WHERE DID THE TIME GO?

This easy TIME PIE exercise will show you where your time goes. You’ll see where you’re putting your energy and your priorities. You’ll also see the slice (sliver?) you’ve set aside to NURTURE your RELATIONSHIP.

Consider this exercise a baseline. A snapshot of how things are now. We’ll follow up in February to see how you’ve managed time and your relationship in the next TWO MONTHS.

I know -- it’s the holiday season and there’s so much to do, see, experience, and enjoy. It’s also a perfect time to reach out and strengthen relationships. SHOW the most important person in your life how much you care. Give them some build-your-relationship time, even a little time, and make your relationship stronger.

THE TIME PIE EXERCISE:

Take a plate, or similar large round object, place it on paper, and draw a circle around it. Now comes the hard part: using a ruler, divide that pie into 24 slices, representing the 24 hours in our days.

Next: Label those hours.

Most people need two pies, one for weekdays, one for weekends.

If you’re a computer whiz, you can create one on your computer and e-mail it to your friends so they can check their TIME PIE. ;-)))

Labeling those hours is tough. We know our days aren’t standard. Yet, you can come close to identifying where most of that time goes.

What did you learn? Does time master you? Or do you master time?

How much time have you set aside for your relationship each week?

How much time have you set aside for you?

We all wish we could stretch our Time Pie -- add more hours in our weeks. This exercise can help you be cognizant of where you spend your time.

My First Friday post for February will follow up on this topic. You’ve got two months to become more of an expert at managing your time. Enjoy!

People who’ve taken my Defeat Self-Defeating Behaviors course know I’m a big fan of timers. If you don’t use a timer, or two or three, treat yourself to one today!

We have to learn how to master our time. Our time is our life. If we master time, we can have the time of our lives!

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Margie Lawson, counseling psychologist, is teaching DEFEAT SELF-DEFEATING BEHAVIORS on-line in January. For more information, please visit her web site, www.MargieLawson.com, or e-mail her at margie@margielawson.com.

Margie Lawson is well known in the writing world for her expertise in Deep Editing. She presents 1) Empowering Characters’ Emotions, 2) Deep Editing: The EDITS System, Rhetorical Devices, and More, and 3) Defeat Self-Defeating Behaviors in one and two day master classes. She also teaches these topics in month-long on-line courses and offers Lecture Packets through PayPal from her web site.

THE TEN POINT SCALE: WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER

It's another First Friday, so we welcome back guest blogger Margie Lawson with her expert tips on romance and communication. Here's Margie!
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I developed this TEN POINT SCALE system to use with couples in marital therapy.  It works. It helps people think about their current mood, what contributed to it, and what they might be able to do to improve their mood.

Select a number, 1 – 10, based on your general mood right now. 

Ten = great.  One = the pits.

Tell each other your numbers.  What’s your general mood right now, 1 – 10?  If both of you are 7 or over – Good!  If you’re 8.5 or higher – Great!

If someone is 5 or 6, what can they do, or the other person do, that would boost that number a point or two?  Ask what the person with the lower number needs.

If someone is below 5, what happened?  What’s going on in real life . . . or in their heads?   What are they telling themselves?  What can they do to address the problem?  If the problem is outside their control, what can they do to make themselves feel better?

If both people are below 5 . . . WATCH OUT! 

That’s when people are hyper-sensitive, loaded for bear, likely to blow up at the slightest provocation.  If you both use this TEN POINT RATING SCALE, you both know what’s going on emotionally with the other person. 

The Rating Scale quantifies moods.  When a spouse tells you they’re fine, that FINE could be a 2 or an 8.  Now you know.  You’re more fully informed.  You know not to ask them to pay bills, paint Uncle Ted’s house, or build a by-plane kite with the 8 year-old twins.

You have to USE THE RATING SCALE to make a difference.  Ask each other WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER several times a day. USE THE INFORMATION.

STUFF HAPPENS.  Several small things could each ding a number by ½ to 1 point.   Stress is cumulative.  Negative thinking and stress erode good moods.

Use the rating scale.  You won’t strain a relationship by taking your bad mood out on someone else.  AND – you won’t wallow in your problem and use it as an excuse to not move on with meeting your goals for the day. 

It’s easy to use the scale with yourself too.  You know when you’re in a bad mood.  Select a number.  Figure out what you can do to boost your number.  You’ll be surprised what a difference you can make in your mood, your day, and your relationship.

Margie Lawson, a counseling psychologist with a specialty in marriage and family therapy, is well known in the writing world for her expertise in Deep Editing.  Margie analyzes writing craft as well as the psyche of the writer.  She presents 1) Empowering Characters’ Emotions, 2) Deep Editing:  The EDITS System, Rhetorical Devices, and More, and 3) Defeat Self-Defeating Behaviors in one and two day master classes.  She also teaches these topics in month-long on-line courses and offers Lecture Packets through PayPal from her web site.  For more information, please visit her web site, www.MargieLawson.com, or e-mail her at margie@margielawson.com.

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Congratulations to Dineen Miller, the winner of the October Randomly Romantic Kickoff Blog Contest! Dineen will receive a $15 Starbucks gift card and a copy of Coffee Dates for Couples! Watch for news in the next few days about my November contest.

Margie's Relationship Tip for October: Surprise Date!

Please join me in welcoming guest blogger Margie Lawson! . . .

Welcome to the first of FIRST FRIDAYS. Every first Friday of the month I'll share relationship tips for keeping romance alive and lines of communication open.

We'll kick off this inaugural post with instructions for a SURPRISE DATE.

Remember the excitement of dating? Think back - it may have been months, years, or decades since you went on a pre-marital or pre-commitment date. Think back to one of those early dates. Think back to how you felt when your special someone rang the doorbell. Your heart skittered. Your stomach jittered.

Want to recapture those special feelings? Set up a SURPRISE DATE:

1. Flip a coin and decide who is the Date Planner for the first surprise date.
2. The Date Planner coordinates the day and time with their date. Set aside a minimum of THREE HOURS.
3. The Date Planner keeps their plans SECRET. They only tell their special someone when the date is and how long it lasts. That's it. No more details.
4. They plan a date that is not a movie, not a concert, not any kind of date that has them sitting with little opportunity to interact. It may cost some money, it may be practically free.
5. On the day/evening of the date, the Date Planner selects all clothes (from the skin out) for their special someone to wear. Remember to include shoes and accessories.
6. The couple decides what topics are off limits before they leave the house. This is set up to be a fun date. It's not the time to discuss antics of teens, the high cost of college tuition, grim budget realities, or mother-in-law issues.
7. ENJOY THE DATE!  Reach out. Literally and figuratively. Do and say things that will make the other person feel good about themselves, and good about you. That's what dating people do. They work to make the other person feel good.
8. Set up the day and time for the next date and have the other person be the Date Planner. Repeat the above process.

Margie Lawson, a counseling psychologist with a specialty in marriage and family therapy, is well known in the writing world for her expertise in Deep Editing. Margie analyzes writing craft as well as the psyche of the writer. She presents 1) Empowering Characters' Emotions, 2) Deep Editing: The EDITS System, Rhetorical Devices, and More, and 3) Defeat Self-Defeating Behaviors in one and two day master classes. She also teaches these topics in month-long on-line courses and offers Lecture Packets through PayPal from her web site. For more information, please visit her web site, www.MargieLawson.com, or e-mail her at margie@margielawson.com.